Lasy Loser Tips

 


Are you sick and tired of being told what to eat, how to lose weight etc...then maybe you need to follow these guidleines

The Following calories do not count

*Food eaten in the dark

*Food licked off knives, spatulas or mixer blades when preparing food

*Broken cookies, brownie crumbs and slivers of cheesecake

*Food eaten off other peoples plates

*Children’s leftovers

*Foods used for medicinal purposes such as cough drops, cocoa, toast, soup, pizzas, hot fudge sundaes, chocolate etc

*Food eaten standing up

*Food eaten whilst driving

*Anything eaten on your birthday

*Cookie dough and cake batter have no calories until they have been baked

*Any food bought from a charity as in pie drives, chocolate drives, girls guide cookies, and this includes anything eaten at a neighbourhood watch meeting

 

The following are legitimate reasons to break your diet

*A divorce or break up
*Getting marrried

*You have been fired

*You have been promoted

*Your parents are in town

*Your partner is out of town

*It’s a long weekend

*Your dining at a 5 star restaurant

*You’ve been on the diet for four weeks

*Valentines day or any other chocolate type holiday

 

Weight Issues

*There are only two people on earth who has the right to know how much you weigh... your doctor and the lifeboat captain

*The only person you are ever required to stand naked in front of is a Prison Guard, another excellent reason to try to stay out of jail

*If you think you are big boned...you are big boned

*If you think you have a slow metabolism… you do have slow metabolism

*Never date a man with thinner arms or thighs than you...however be aware you may be eliminating 90% of the male population

*If someone asks you ‘when are you due?’ and you are not actually pregnant, just reply ‘any minute now’

*If you ask a man ‘does my butt look big in this?’ never expect an answer you can live with

*Visible panty lines add 5kilos

*Only 1% of the population can get away with wearing a thong...chances are you are not in this percentage bracket

*A naked body looks 2kilos slimmer in the dark, subtract another 2kilos if you are on your back and an extra 5kilos if you are under the covers

*Never allow anyone to take your photo while you are eating, drinking, squatting, bending over, playing limbo or twister, dancing or jumping into a pool

 
 

 


 

 
     
 
 

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